


It's 2 am guys, shut up

by orphan_account



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Group chat, It's pretty setter stuff kind of, M/M, Mentions of other characters - Freeform, More Ships to come, Skype, get ready for sarcasm and salt
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-12-31
Updated: 2018-03-10
Packaged: 2018-09-13 15:02:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 10,249
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9129229
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: E.T: koushi you're a med major how do you even have time for another jobangel: i inject caffeine straight into my eyes---The skype college group chat shitshow no one asked for





	1. save them

**Author's Note:**

> HOO BOY
> 
> I wrote most of this half asleep but this is the only complete chapter because I'm A Mess™ so I doubt frequent updates  
> Anyway, I love chat fics, eventually there will be actual dialogue and writing, not just salty text messages but for now, here we go. What a way to end 2016
> 
> E.T - Oikawa  
> angel - Suga  
> kozumeme - Kenma  
> AkaashiKeiji - Akaashi  
> milkcarton - Kageyama  
> creampuff - Yahaba  
> saltyboi - Shirabu  
> semisemi - Semi
> 
> I am not funny, don't expect to laugh

 

 _[E.T added angel, kozumeme, AkaashiKeiji, and creampuff to_ _It's 2 am]_  

_2:03 am_

E.T: MERCURY IS IN RETROGRADE AND CARRIE FISHER IS D E A D

angel: Tooru what

creampuff: I don't need this

 _[kozumeme left the groupchat]_  

_[E.T added kozumeme to the groupchat]_

E.T: You know the drill by now

kozumeme: I hate you

angel: I bet I can make this better for you, Tooru :)

E.T: what are you doing

angel: :) cheer up :)

E.T: sUGA

angel: :):)

 _[angel added milkcarton to the groupchat]_  

E.T: fuckign die

angel: :):):)

milkcarton: what is this?

kozumeme: hell on earth

E.T: now that hes here it is

angel: its been like 4 years let it go

angel: also, its literally 2 am tooru go to sleep

E.T: what are you my mom

angel: :)

E.T: suga nO

angel: suga yes

_[angel added semisemi and saltyboi to the groupchat]_

E.T: you've got to be kidding me

saltyboi: hell no

_[saltyboi left the groupchat]_

_[semisemi added saltyboi the groupchat]_  

saltyboi: fuck you

semisemi: :)

saltyboi: how did you even get my skype

angel: i have

angel: connections,,

E.T: Alright anyway, I made this because it's late

angel: aka he missed us and has no friends :)

E.T: uM,??

E.T: rude koushi i have friends!

kozumeme: that sounds fake

saltyboi: ^

angel: update: he missed us, his boyfriend is asleep across the country as well as his other 4 friends, so here we are despite the fact that we should be sleeping

creampuff: yet here we are, awake.

semisemi: I'm going to sleep

saltyboi: i have a test in the morning so

E.T: losers

E.T: sleep is for the weak

angel: you have an astronomy exam at 8 am tomorrow tooru

angel: i will personally come and kick you in the teeth if you don't put your phone down right now :)))

E.T: I-

creampuff: holy shit

saltyboi: i like him

kozumeme: ^

angel: :)) goodnight everyone

\--

_7:36 am_

AkaashiKeiji: what 

\-- 

_7:50 am_

angel: your exam starts in 10 minutes :)

E.T: FUCK

\--

_10: 28 am_

milkcarton: Suga-san, how do you know Oikawa’s schedule?

angel: someone has to be his iwaizumi while he’s so far away

E.T: dont remind me

angel: you two talk literally everyday

E.T: it's not the sameee (◞‸◟；)

E.T: also shut up you live with your boyfriend

angel: ;)

kozumeme: you're a college student how do you even afford an apartment

angel: ;)) thats for me to know and you to find out

E.T: i can't believe my best friend is a prostitute

angel: WHY IS THAT YOUR FIRST GUESS

E.T: youre cute i could see it!

creampuff: yeah me too

kozumeme: shook

E.T: thanks shigeru I knew there was a reason you were my favorite

creampuff: :)

creampuff: kentarou said iwaizumi was his favorite

creampuff: he also said fuck you

E.T: :) too bad kindaichi was iwa’s favorite :)

angel: i hate both of you

E.T: koushi you're a med major how do you even have time for another job

angel: i inject caffeine straight into my eyes

\-- 

_5:03 pm_

creampuff: send help

saltyboi:??

creampuff: anyone but you

creampuff: you suck

saltyboi: sorry what was that? i couldn't hear you over me being a better captain than you :)

creampuff: die

semisemi: haha

creampuff: sorry what was that couldn't hear you over being a better setter than you :):)

AkaashiKeiji: It's been 3 years.

angel: im sorry but are either of you on a national team? no? :) okay then

milkcarton: whats wrong yahaba?

E.T: ive taught him well

creampuff: anyway

creampuff: [icantbelievethis.png]

angel: IS THAT A DOG

creampuff: i just got out of class and i come back to my dorm to see this idiot with a dog

creampuff: [miniaturebullterrier.png]

E.T: aww it even looks like kyouken:)

angel: what are you going to name it?

E.T: kyouken name it kyouken

creampuff: unlike kentarou this dog is well behaved

creampuff: but we cant have dogs in our dorms.

E.T: keep it anyway

E.T: look at how cute it is

AkaashiKeiji: That is a very cute dog.

angel: dont listen to tooru

angel: listen to me, name it kyouken

creampuff: we

creampuff: cannot

creampuff: have

creampuff: pets

E.T: stab kyoutani in the eye and say it's a service dog

creampuff: dont tempt me

kozumeme: kuro keeps 4 cats in his dorm

creampuff: you dont have to walk cats

milkcarton: Keep the dog.

semisemi: That is such a bad idea

saltyboi: I mean so is your fashion sense but

semisemi: I don't need this hate

_[semisemi left the groupchat]_

saltyboi: Thank god

_[E.T added semisemi to the groupchat]_

saltyboi: god fucking dammit

semisemi: love you too Kenjirou

saltyboi: do not

\--

_9:07 pm_

creampuff: i cant believe im keeping this dog

\--

_11:00 pm_

E.T: wait a second

E.T: yahaba you share a dorm with your boyfriend??

creampuff: hes not??? my boyfriend???

E.T: what

angel: what

AkaashiKeiji: What?

kozumeme: what

semisemi: what

milkcarton: what

saltyboi: youre a dirty fuckin liar shigeru

creampuff: we just slightly tolerate each other more now

creampuff: guys im straight

creampuff: i cant speak for kentarou but

creampuff: just slightly friends and roommates

saltyboi: kay bitch

angel: im gno na ha ve a  fukc ig s t ro k e

kozumeme: tag yourself im “slightly friends”

angel: I'm “im straight”

E.T: yahaba youre almost gayer than me

milkcarton: not possible

kozumeme: holy shit

angel: hA

semisemi: HAHAHA

saltyboi: #roastoikawa

E.T: DONT MAKE THIS ABOUT ME WE'RE TALKING ABOUT YAHABA’S DENIAL

yahaba: not in denial we really arent dating

angel: make this about Oikawa I have so much dirt on him

E.T: koushi,,, my best friend,,

semisemi: tell me

saltyboi: tell me

E.T: ANYWAY ABOUT YAHABA

AkaashiKeiji: Tell us.

angel: as you all know, tooru is the ugliest crier

E.T: untrue,,

angel: and he once ugly cried over the stars

saltyboi: what the fuck

angel: “they're so beautiful and just- just up there for us to look at every single night. FOR FREE”

angel: and he cried for 5 straight minutes

semisemi: tendou read that over my fucking shoulder hA

saltyboi: and now Ushijima knows

E.T: i actually hate you

angel: :):)

AkaashiKeiji: Bokuto has a gallery on his phone dedicated to ugly pictures of him.

angel: ME TOO

milkcarton: his bag had alien pins on it until his last year of junior high

E.T: jokes on you I still have alien pins on my bag

saltyboi: congratulations bitch, you played yourself.

semisemi: i bet you have those glow in the dark space stickers too you nerd

angel: he does

AkaashiKeiji: He does.

milkcarton: he does

E.T: tobio you've never ever been to my house

milkcarton: Iwaizumi-san just told me

semisemi: i cant believe your own boyfriend sold you out

angel: i can

kozumeme: can you blame him

angel: DSHJNGGASKLDS

E.T: where is this salt coming from kenma

AkaashiKeiji: He has dirt on everyone

AkaashiKeiji: Trust me

 _[kozumeme changed the groupchat name to_ _#Roast Oikawa]_

E.T: wait how does iwa know about this

angel: :)

E.T: KOUSHI

E.T: KOUSHI ANSWER ME

saltyboi: lets invite the boyfriend to drag you

E.T: LETS NOT

saltyboi: do it

milkcarton: Iwaziumi-san said he’d “Rather commit self murder then enter that Hell.”

kozumeme: making the right decision there

creampuff: me too

angel: he’s dating the biggest nerd ever poor him :(

saltyboi: how can you be a hoe and a loser at the same time :/

Semisemi: ur the biggest hoe here

creampuff: “ur”

saltyboi: okay semisemi talk to me when that crush on tendou goes away :)

semisemi: I don’t have a crush on that asshole

saltyboi: okay sweaty:)

AkaashiKeiji: I left for two seconds.

\--

_3:15 am_

E.T: i still can’t believe yahaba isnt dating kyouken

angel: tooru go to fucking sleep

 


	2. salt intensifies

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> me: you can update in a few days! don't worry  
> me to me: but consider this: procrastinate 
> 
> this chapter is shorter, forgive me
> 
> reminder:
> 
> E.T - Oikawa  
> angel - Suga  
> kozumeme - Kenma  
> AkaashiKeiji - Akaashi  
> milkcarton - Kageyama  
> creampuff - Yahaba  
> saltyboi - Shirabu  
> semisemi - Semi

 

_7:34 am_

angel: coffee is my absolute best friend

E.T: you wound me koushi

angel: daichi was my best friend before you :)))

angel: anyway

angel: say,, hypothetically,,, I

angel: poured an energy drink in my coffee and drank it,, what would happen,,

saltyboi: what

AkaashiKeiji: Shouldn't you know? You're going to be a nurse.

kozumeme: youll be fine

E.T: KOUSHI NO

angel: i havent slept in 2 days :)

angel: and i have an exam in 20 mins gtg

saltyboi: and just when you thought oikawa was problematic

E.T: im perfect excuse you

saltyboi: Ah yes the Perfect Face, Personality, and Hair™

E.T: at least my hair isnt Fucking Atrocious™

saltyboi: @semisemi

semisemi: i am in class you fucknuts go away

saltyboi: i dont:)

saltyboi: care :)

kozumeme: akaashi your bag meowed

kozumeme: why

AkaashiKeiji: Kenma you're right next to me? You couldn't just ask me in person?

kozumeme: Gossip for the Groupchat™

kozumeme: [catsoutofthebag.png]

milkcarton: is that one of kuroos cats?

AkaashiKeiji: I'm never spending a night in their dorm again.

E.T: oooo~ keiji~

kozumeme: kuroo was with me all night so

AkaashiKeiji: I'm aware of what you're implying but nothing happened.

kozumeme: you're lying:)

E.T: i agree with kenma

kozumeme: [turtleneck.png]

E.T: two things

E.T: keiji youre a l i a r

E.T: why you gotta look good in everything though

AkaashiKeiji: Nonsense, Oikawa. You look great all the time as well.

saltyboi: like shit*

E.T: are you kissing up to me to change the subject

_[AkaashiKeiji left the groupchat]_

_[kozumeme added AkaashiKeiji to the groupchat]_

E.T: Wow I can’t believe the second hottest person in this chat is a sinner :/

saltyboi: *most attractive

semisemi: *most attractive

kozumeme: *most attractive

AkaashiKeiji: :)

_[milkcarton changed AkaashiKeiji’s name to CuteHoot]_

CuteHoot: ?

milkcarton: Hinata changed it.

kozumeme: @shouyou, good job

creampuff: dont you guys have fucking class

\--

_10:03 am_

saltyboi: have you ever got your hand stuck in a sewing machine, semi?

semisemi: what???  

saltyboi: would you like too

semisemi: should i be concerned..

kozumeme: nice lazytown meme

semisemi: shirabu did you get ur hand stuck in the sewing machine?

saltyboi: ,,no

semisemi: god fucking dammit.

semisemi: i'll be right there

\--

_10:28 am_

E.T: and _I'm_ the disaster

saltyboi: shut your hoe mouth

CuteHoot: How did this even happen?

saltyboi: i got distracted while sewing

creampuff: youre an actual idiot

saltyboi: and youre an actual shallow rude ass

creampuff: you forgot the word “bitch”

saltyboi: shallow rude ass bitch

semisemi: either way he's free and unscathed for the most part.

E.T: how do you even go from playing volleyball everyday and then dropping it to became a fashion design major???

saltyboi: the same way you go from a decently attractive boy to a deplorable human the second you start talking :/

angel: As much as I love messing with Oikawa

angel: Suga finally fell asleep for the first time in a while so

saltyboi: who the fuck

E.T: Sawamura!! Hello!!!!

saltyboi: oh its the guy with the thighs

angel: Let him sleep

E.T: youre no fun :/

_[angel left the groupchat]_

_[E.T added angel to the groupchat]_

E.T: alright alright we'll be quiet.

angel: Good.

\--

_1:23 pm_

angel: what the fucK

angel: how dare he not wake me up for another roast

E.T: roast someone else i dont need this

angel: who tho

E.T: ushiwaka

saltyboi: first off hes not here so its unfair

saltyboi: second, you cant roast him hes a very good person, i dont say that lightly either

saltyboi: i will drag the sh i t out of you if you badmouth ushijima

creampuff: oo damn really letting that crush show arent you

saltyboi: oo damn really getting on my nerves arent you

semisemi: don't know what you see in him

saltyboi: dont know what see in tendou either so guess we're even

angel: arent??? tendou and ushiwaka?? dating???

semisemi: yeah

saltyboi: yeah

E.T: yikes

semisemi: I really dont care

saltyboi: its whatever

semisemi: i dont like that shitlord anyway

saltyboi: yah right but okay whatever you say

kozumeme: that giant sentient lamppost is getting his germs all over my laptop

E.T: ???????????

CuteHoot: Is Lev in your dorm again?

kozumeme: and sneezing everywhere

kozumeme: im watching one of kuroos cats

kozumeme: hes allergic yet makes it a point to try and hug them

angel: “sentient lamppost” @E.T

E.T: at least im not short :)

angel: if you dont shut your long giraffe looking neck ass im gonna run my ass to campus to fight you

E.T: do it boi

angel: :)

 

_[angel left the groupchat]_

 

E.T: fuck

kozumeme: rip oikawa we knew him well

saltyboi: Sugawaras doing the lords work honestly

milkcarton: I'll miss you oikawa!

E.T: i would rather die

creampuff: oikawas dying?

semisemi: read up

creampuff: k

creampuff: yeet bye oikawa

E.T: HES IN A FULL S P RI NT

\--

_1:59 pm_

_[E.T added angel to the groupchat]_

angel: now what do you say

E.T: ,,im sorry

angel: good boy

semisemi: OwO whats this

semisemi: oh shiT

semisemi: WH AT OMFMGG

semisemi: hOly shkgjgjjf

semisemi: jrkrkffifitokKzisiizjsjdndA

saltyboi: oh thank god maybe hes dying

 _[semisemi added tendersalami to the groupchat_ ]

semisemi: SATORI TOOK MY GODDAMN PHONE

tendersalami: but thats okay because you love me right eita

semisemi: i

saltyboi: :):)

_[semisemi left the groupchat]_

tendersalami: hes??? Right next to me??

tendersalami: we share a dorm hes so silly

_[tendersalami added semisemi to the groupchat]_

_[semisemi kicked tendersalami from the groupchat]_

saltyboi: wait did he read the whole chat

semisemi: he said good luck with that crush kenjirou

saltyboi: i want to die

angel: tendou is wild and i want to meet him

saltyboi: no you dont

semisemi: no you dont

E.T: no you dont

angel: that means now i have to

\--

_4:14 pm_

creampuff: who the fuck is growing weed in the greenhouse


	3. receipts™

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> THIS FIC GOT SO POPULAR AND SO MANY NICE COMMENTS AND SO MANY BOOKMARKS AND KUDOS AND AAAAAAAAAA AA A A  
> YOURE ALL SO NICE IM ACTUALLY GOING TO CRY?????? SOMEONE IS EVEN GOING TO TRANSLATE THIS HOLY F CUK?????  
> BOTTOM LINE I LOVE YOU ALL  
> I DIDNT EXPECT PEOPLE TO LIKE THIS  
> FUKC

 

_4:20 pm_

angel: get lit

creampuff: i swear to god was it you

angel: im a child of god no way

E.T: no way. Nooooo way

angel: get real

creampuff: why are you both like this

E.T: i wouldnt expect you to get the reference

angel: yeah were you even alive when that came out

creampuff: ???

creampuff: i'm only a year younger than you??

E.T: so the answer is no then

creampuff: ..

creampuff: anyway

creampuff: i'd like my question answered

saltyboi: youre the only environmental sci major i know

creampuff: that sounds like something someone who planted weed in the greenhouse would say

saltyboi: i don't even s m o k e

saltyboi: it sticks to clothes to easy

creampuff: *too

saltyboi: die

angel: now isnt the time to get into a conversation about who smokes

angel: this is college.

E.T: yeah i mean i bonded with suga while shitfaced.

angel: we slowly became friends from there on out

E.T: i miss being your dormmate:(

angel: i wish i could say the same :( :(

E.T: RUDE

angel: ;)

E.T: either way I gotta go!

E.T: iwa wants to talk

saltyboi: does oikawa have him brainwashed

angel: !!!!!!!!!

saltyboi: ?? Im aware it was a good theory but you dont need to get so excited?

angel: what? no. I'm not talking about that

creampuff: hAA

angel: I HAVE AN IDEA

angel: this is skype after all!! What if we video call each other!!

creampuff: why we are literally all at the same college

creampuff: except for akaashi and kenma

creampuff: tobio doesnt go to college

creampuff: also once again, youre a med major. where do you find the time???

angel: details details

angel: also that's the perfect reason to video call! you can talk to akaashi and kenma!!

creampuff: ive met them both personally

creampuff: also akaashi is here a lot to visit his boyfriend and kenma visits kuroo

saltyboi: his boyfriend has a name

creampuff: i never remember it

saltyboi: ?????? He was one of the best aces?? Not better than Ushijima of course

creampuff: he was loud that's all ive heard of him

saltyboi: Bokuto. His name is Bokuto.

creampuff: i hope you weren't expecting a thank you because it's not coming

saltyboi: fuck you.

angel: we should do it anyway!!!

angel: kenma!! wheres akaashi?

kozumeme: you got me there cuz i dont know

angel: goddammit

\--

_6:13 pm_

angel: keeeiiijjjjiii

E.T: he's dead jim

semisemi: get your nerd references out of here

E.T: rebel scum

semisemi: switching movies now

angel: whos the real nerd here if you get the references hmm?

semisemi: they're?? Well known??

angel: ..okay...

kozumeme: I'd ask kuroo to ask bokuto but kuroo has class

angel: arent you in class?

kozumeme: sure

angel: kenmA

angel: do i need to text hinata

kozumeme: i dare you

angel: :)

kozumeme: :) you fucked up

kozumeme: [neverletsugadrink.png]

E.T: DUIDIFNLF

angel: how tHE FUCK DID YOU GET THAT

kozumeme: [wheredidhisshirtgo.png]

kozumeme: [andtheregothepants.png]

saltyboi: i need bleach more than usual

semisemi: daichi,, is a lucky man,,

E.T: AHAHAH

angel: shut up i have worse on you tooru

angel: remember the bar

angel: with the mechanical bull

saltyboi: if you send it im going to shove the entire sewing machine up my fucking ass

angel: [rideemtooru.png]

saltyboi: I

saltyboi: want to die

E.T: dont do this to me

kozumeme: i have pictures of that as well

semisemi: why are you all so goddamn wild

saltyboi: are you forgetting when you danced on tendou during a frat party

semisemi: are you forgetting that i hate you :)

kozumeme: are you forgetting when you danced on eachother?

semisemi: what

saltyboi: lies youre bluffing

kozumeme: k

kozumeme: [actualproof.png]

_[semisemi left the groupchat]_

E.T: IM SCREENSHOTTINT TJAT FUCK

angel: iM GINNA HABE A SEIZUURE

kozumeme: :):)

_[kozumeme added semisemi to the groupchat]_

semisemi: hes actually fucking evil what the hell

kozumeme: :3c

angel: i know for a fucking fact you didnt text that

kozumeme: hi suga-san!!!!!

angel: oh! Its just hinata

milkcarton: i am also with them

milkcarton: kenma says he didnt have class today so weve been with him this whole time

kozumeme: :3c

kozumeme: im making him get off his phone before he destroys more lives! Bye!!!

angel: Hes a monster

\--

_8:01 pm_

CuteHoot: Jesus Christ, Kenma.

angel: aKAAASHI THERE YOU ARE!

angel: where were you?

CuteHoot: Modelling.

_[E.T left the groupchat]_

_[angel added E.T to the groupchat]_

E.T: STOP BEING PERFECT WE GET IT YOURE PRETTY

CuteHoot: Bokuto just needed to draw me, it wasn't an actual modelling shoot. I don't have any scheduled for a few weeks.

angel: he drew you for nearly four hours????

CuteHoot: Mhm.

angel: im not gonna read too much into that

angel: anhway why is he drawing you??

CuteHoot: An art project.

angel: isnt he a math major??

creampuff: wait really?

CuteHoot: He's also an art minor.

CuteHoot: And yes, Yahaba, he majors in math.

kozumeme: and Kuro is a chem major what a nerd :/

CuteHoot: Kenma you're a graphic design student.

kozumeme: what a nerd :/

E.T: HA iwa’s studying sports med my boyfriend ISNT a nerd Ha

kozumeme: correct.

kozumeme: youre the nerd :)

E.T: FUCID

semisemi: wait Akaashi what are you in college for?

CuteHoot: Animal care, I would like to be a vet.

creampuff: !!! That's kind of what kentarou is doing,  but mostly hes undecided

E.T: once again shocked that you two arent dating

creampuff: i am straight.

E.T: keep telling yourself that kiddo.

creampuff: update; im still just a year younger than you

saltyboi: i swear to god if you fuckers make me get my hand caught in the sewing machine again im coming after all of you

creampuff: if you get it caught in the machine that's all on you bud

saltyboi: yahaba youre dying first

creampuff: wHY

saltyboi: i hate you more than i hate semi

semisemi: should i feel offended or complimented?

saltyboi: considering youre the second last to die you should feel complimented

angel: whos the last?

saltyboi: you. I like you the most and you'll be the toughest to kill.

angel: :):):):)

milkcarton: werent we going to have a video call?

saltyboi: im busy

angel: same i have work

E.T: WHAT IS YOUR JOB

angel: do you really want to know?

E.T:  Y E S

angel: well im a

E.T: a WHAT

E.T: SUGA

E.T: KOUS H I

E.T: F U CCK

\--

_1:11 am_

angel: you know whos hot??????

E.T: me?

angel: daichi

angel: like  BOY

angel: hot damn thigh lor d

angel: you could build a house on the asSkekdkfk

angel: difjtmmtm

angel: H ux jf tt

E.T: ???

angel: He’s a little drunk don't mind him

E.T: HE WAS AT WORK AND CAME HOME SLIGHTLY INTOXICATED HUH?

E.T: IM ON TO YOU KOUSHI

angel: please let him sleep

saltyboi: SHUT THE FUCK UP ITS 1 AM

\--

_9:00 am_

angel: How to delete: existence

E.T: you were still typing pretty okay you werent that drunk

angel: i dont have a hangover i mean i want to delete myself because i wrote in the groupchat

saltyboi: screenshotted forever

angel: youre lucky i cant fight children

saltyboi: insult me all you want i still have receipts

kozumeme: i mean that's what he gets for bartending

angel: Okay i get thay you have dirt on everyone but how did you find thst one out

kozumeme: you just told me

E.T: I K NEW IT

angel: i have no classes today and neither does daichi so im going to avoid this HATE

angel: by cooking with my lovely partner.

E.T: ew stop being so grossly domestic

angel: bite me

E.T: that was one time

angel: TOORU WHAT ARE YOU EVEN TALKING ABOUT

E.T: I DONT KNOW I WANTED TO ADD DRAMA

semisemi: im not going to ask and going to live a pure life where i am an innocent child

kozumeme: you guys act like you havent kissed

angel: i have been dating daichi since my second year of high school and i didn't befriend tooru till freshman year of college

E.T: rude koushi i thought what we shared was special.

angel: ????????????

E.T: do you not remember the first party we went to together

E.T: truth or dare???

E.T: daichi almost cried

angel: I HAVE 0 MEMORY OF THIS NOR DO I WANT IT GOODBYE I WANT TO MAKE BREAKFAST WITH THE LOVE OF MY LIFE

saltyboi: ew

creampuff: which one of you fuck fucks made kyoutani get me breakfast

E.T: HE GOT YOU BREAKFAST

E.T: @IWAIZUMI THIS COULD BE US BUT YOURE HALF WAY ACROSS THE FUCKING COUNTRY

milkcarton: i should get hinata breakfast

kozumeme: aw

semisemi: DO YOU EVER FUCKING S LE EP

 


	4. lost and confused

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry that this isn't the best quality, I've been very busy. But here is a new chapter that isn't proofread because I am lazy and had no time.

_ 9:30 am _

angel: [cookingbythebook.png]

E.T: for a few seconds i thought you sent me a picture of daichi cooking while naked

angel: he is not

angel: though i am not opposed to that idea

saltyboi: gross

angel: also i wouldnt send those pictures to the groupchat

E.T: did you just admit that you have his nudes

angel: no

E.T: its okay suga just admit it

E.T: we all know you have at least 1 picture of his thighs

angel: you underestimate me

angel: i have a folder on my laptop of pictures of his thighs ive taken during the five years we've been in a relationship

saltyboi: what the fuck

E.T: damn need me a freak like that

_ [angel left the groupchat] _

_ [E.T added angel to the groupchat] _

angel: why are we friends

E.T: because you love me 

angel: sure okay

angel: hajime said to finish your homework

E.T: HOW DO YOU KNOW WHAT HE SAID

angel: he asked if i was talking to you because i havent said anything in our groupchat

angel: he said get off your phone

E.T: youre in a groupchat with him??

angel: ye

E.T: RUDE HE NEVER TOLD ME

angel: ;;;)

\--

_ 10:20 am _

angel: [!!!.png]

milkcarton: is that the breakfast you made

angel: yeah! 

E.T: it took you over an hour to make breakfast

semisemi: shut up

angel: we got,, distracted,,,

saltyboi: dont fucking answer that sugawara please

angel: oops sorry 

saltyboi: i want death

E.T: ewewewewew

angel: i love you guys too

E.T: CLEARLY YOU DONT BECAUSE YOU DIDN'T TELL ME ABOUT THAT HIDDEN GC

angel: my lips are sealed sorry

E.T: SUUUUGAAA

E.T: FINE THEN ILL MAKE MY OWN GC AND NOT TALK TO YOU

\--

_ 12:00 pm _

milkcarton: is oikawa actually ignoring you?

angel: maybe but i can make him talk

E.T: NO YOU CANT

E.T: SHIT

E.T: FUCK YOU IM STILL IGNORING YOU

E.T: starting niw

angel: i got this

mikkcarton: ?

angel: if you wanna be my lover

E.T: YOU GOTTA GET WITH MY FRIENDS

E.T: G OD DAMMMIT

angel: :) you love me too much tooru

E.T: fuck you

\--

_ 12:35 pm _

E.T: i lied i love you

angel: okay what do you need

angel: whats the catch

E.T: heres the deal

kozumeme: slip and slide on this banana peel

semisemi: what are you doing

saltyboi: i can't tell if you were continuing the meme or genuinely asking 

semisemi: i keep up on the memes too

kozumeme: that meme is lowkey old so

angel: TOORU WHAT DO YOU WANT

E.T: im bored come hangout with me

angel: hmmmm

angel: stupid movies on netflix with the actual love of my life

angel: or shitty alien movies on netflix with actual garbage

angel: i think ill pass

E.T: that's unfortunate im outside your door

saltyboi: lmao whos mans is this???

angel: UGH

angel: you fucking owe me tooru

E.T: LOVE YOU YOU CAN BRING DAICHI

angel: perfect i can make you third wheel give me a few minutes

\--

_ 1:00 pm _

E.T: you arent coming are you

angel: gO HOME

\--

_ 4:30 pm _

creampuff: so kyouken attempted to break my plant pots

E.T: YOU SERIOUSLY NAMED HIM KYOUKEN HAHAHA

creampuff: kyouken jr doesnt appreciate your rudeness

angel: JR BAHAHAHAA

creampuff: LEAVEHIM ALONE KYOUTANI ADDED THE JR

E.T: are you like sharing the dog

creampuff: yeah???

angel: dude ask the boy out

creampuff: i dont like him

angel: sure seems like it

angel: not that we want to pressure you into anything

E.T: yeah we just want you to be happy!

creampuff: ..

creampuff: i'll think about it

angel: !!

E.T: !! DID WE HELP SOMEONE

angel: I THINK SO

E.T: AAAAAA

saltyboi: SHUT UP

\--

_ 9:00 pm _

CuteHoot: you weren't supposed to know about the groupchat, we have to kill you now.

E.T: KEIJI YOU TOO

CuteHoot: ;)

kozumeme: who the fuck are you and what have you done with one of the only people i tolerate

CuteHoot: ??? I'm still here kenma

kozumeme: you didnt use proper grammar you arent keiji

CuteHoot: [actualcameraselfie.png]

CuteHoot: it’s hard to type correctly at a party.

angel: WAIT HOLY SHIT

angel: YOU DIDNT INVITE ME TO A P A R TY

E.T: WHAT THS FUCK 

CuteHoot: oops

kozumeme: jokes on you i screenshotted that for blackmail

CuteHoot: why??

kozumeme: take a close looks at his eyes 

angel: why

E.T: kEIJI

CuteHoot: goddammit

angel: GET LIT

creampuff: WAS IT YOU WHO PLANTED IT I S W EA R

CuteHoot: i can assure you it wasnt me

creampuff: for some reason i trust you

CuteHoot: :)

angel: WHERE ARE YOU PARTYING

E.T: I WANT TO PARTY

CuteHoot: no way

kozumeme: i tracked his phone and sent you his location have fun

saltyboi: you're just a graphic design major????

kozumeme: ;)

angel: come with us shirabuuuu

saltyboi: id rather die

E.T: ITLL BE FUN

saltyboi: no

angel: come oooooon

semisemi: he said no guys

semisemi: stop asking

E.T: :0!

angel: :0!

angel: fine fine 

creampuff: rip rip rip

milkcarton: no one invited me

 

\--

_ 10:13 pm _

angel: tooru

angel: tooru

angel: tooru

angel: tooru

angel: tooru

angel: tooru

angel: tooru

angel: tooruuu

milkcarton: suga please

saltyboi: maybe hes fuck in g de a d

semisemi: good

angel: uuuuuhhhh;

angel: but i cant find him :(

\--

_ 11:29 pm _

angel: tooooooooirrrruuuu

angel: ooooo glitter bomb

angel: [sparkles.png]

angel: oh yeah i cant find tooru

angel: hey dicksucker i see your snap storu and your insta answrr me

\--

_ 12:36 am _

angel: hey kenma doidnt see yiu cpme in

kozumeme: im here for the blackmail

\--

_ 2:30 am _

kozumeme: [wildparty.png]

kozumeme: [wiiiiildparty.png]

kozumeme: [getlit.png]

kozumeme: [glitter.png]

kozumeme: [indecentphotosforblackmail.png]

kozumeme: [blackmail.png]

kozumeme: now i can leave peacefully

\--

_ 6:10 am _

E.T: IM COVERED IN GLITTER 

E.T: WHO'S LAWN IS THIS??

angel: thank god ive been tryng to get your attention all night

E.T: aw i missed you too

angel: I WANTED YOU TO CHECK OUT A FUNNY JOKE

saltyboi: i crave death

angel: irs fuckint hilarious 

angel: prime of the century

E.T: okay?? What is it

angel: alright so

angel: i forgot

E.T: FYCK


	5. it's been 84 years

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *sweats* it's been so long i'm so sorry  
> i have,, no excuse  
> well life got in the way and me being overwhelmed by how much positive feedback this received!  
> so obviously the right decision was to hide away for a month and a half.  
> There's a National Hot Dad Alliance ref in this which you should read it's funnier and better than this honestly  
> I love you all, I'll try to keep a schedule  
> Comments and Kudos are still widely appreciated!

 

_3:02 pm_

angel: ravioli ravioli give me the formuoli

E.T: what the fuck?

E.T: its been days and this is what you say to me

angel: ;)

E.T: Why are you like this

angel: because I'm amazing and everyone loves me

E.T: Sure, Jan. :)

kozumeme: wasted

angel: :0!

angel: >:0!

saltyboi: just when I thought i was free

angel: make us fre e n a spl a sh

E.T: shut your mouth

angel: :(

semisemi: what the fuck go back to being quiet

kozumeme: you could mute the chat

semisemi: what

kozumeme: mute the chat

semisemi: ??

semisemi: I'm not?? Following???

saltyboi: oH MY GOD HE DOESNT KNOW HOW

angel: omg

E.T: omg

semisemi: >:0!

saltyboi: im fucking screenshotting this holy god

semisemi: i will fight you

saltyboi: fucking do it bitch

angel: no fighting children!

saltyboi: who the shit are you calling a child

E.T: yikes you forgot the comma suga

angel: o shit

angel: * no fighting, children!

saltyboi: you are still calling me a child you hoe

kozumeme: that's the importance of grammar, kiddies

angel: i thought that said kitties

E.T: i thought it said tiddies

angel: both?

E.T: both. Both is good.

saltyboi: okay but

saltyboi: semi doesn't know how to mute the chat

saltyboi: this is singlehandedly the best day of my life

saltyboi: my crops are thriving i am blessed

semisemi: watch your fucking back kenjirou

saltyboi: ye okay eita

\--

_4:01 pm_

creampuff: [gethimoutofhere.png]

creampuff: semi leave him alone

angel: is he

angel: is he hiding in your dorm

E.T: aww look at the doooog

creampuff: i was in the middle of something make him leave

saltyboi: in the middle of what? Screwing your boyfriend?

angel: are you with kyoutani

E.T: yahaba what were you in the middle of

creampuff: i wAS IN THE MIDDLE OF AN ESSAY HOW DID YOU ALL SEND THAT SIMULTANEOUSLY

saltyboi: ew i just did something the same as Oikawa

saltyboi: may as well let semi kill me now

semisemi: yahaba literally just gave away your hiding spot you son of a bitch

semisemi: kiss your sweet ass goodbye

saltyboi: fUCK YOU SHIGERU

kozumeme: gotta blast

creampuff: GET OUT OF MY DORM

angel: why ARE YOU TWO ARGUING OVER TEXT IN THE SAME R O O M

milkcarton: why is everyone yelling???

angel: sorry kageyama

E.T: im not

milkcarton: you werent yelling

E.T: NOW I AM

angel: wait just a hot minute

angel: did semi just call shirabu’s butt cute???

E.T: :000!!!!

semisemi: i plead the fifth

E.T: THIS ISNT AMERICA

saltyboi: what tje fuck

 _[kozumeme changed the groupchat name to_ _We're All Gay_ _]_

angel: you got us there

\--

_5:30 pm_

angel: SHIT FCK

E.T: koushi are you okay

angel: I JUST FOUND OUT STEPHANIE ISN’T SAYING “IT’S A PERFECT DAY TO BAKE A PRETTY CAKE”

E.T: what

angel: SHE’S SAYING “IT’S A PIECE OF CAKE TO BAKE A PRETTY CAKE”

kozumeme: lazy town memes are old now

angel: lsiten,,

kozumeme: i will when you spell correctly

angel: :0

E.T: FINALLY SOMEONE GETTING ROASTED OTHER THAN ME

angel: i am shook

\--

_7:40 pm_

CuteHoot: Weren't we supposed to call each other?

kozumeme: yeah sugawara mentioned it back in chapter 3

CuteHoot: What?

kozumeme: nothing

kozumeme: shirabu are you still alive?

saltyboi: sadly

semisemi: futakuchi wouldnt let me in their dorm

semisemi: oikawa kick ushi out of your dorm so i can kick tendou out I'm not skype calling with this fucker here

E.T: YOU HAD ME AT KICK USHI

semisemi: at this point physically kick him i don't care

E.T: WOAH BUDDY STOP DRILLING YOU ALREADY STRUCK OIL

E.T: and hes GONE

saltyboi: hes so pure leave him alone

semisemi: tendou’s gone too

saltyboi: tendou is not pure he can fuck himself

creampuff: oh yikes theres that jealousy spike

saltyboi: im not skype calling with him

creampuff: suck it up buttercup

angel: no fighting, children

saltyboi: once again, i am not a child

E.T: shut the fuck up is everyone here

angel: yep! Daichi’s out tho :(

saltyboi: sadly

semisemi: do i have to

kozumeme: dont expect me to talk

milkcarton: hinata and lev are also here

CuteHoot: I'm with Kenma

creampuff: kyoutani is asleep so i have to be quiet

 

_We're All Gay is now calling…_

 

“I forgot that was our name, fuck you Kozume.” Oikawa’s voice sounded through one of the six video rectangles before everyone came into focus. Akaashi and Kenma shared a dorm, so Akaashi didn't feel the need to use two laptops, they just shared one.

“Can everyone see each other?” Suga asked, laptop propped up on his knees.

“Yep, and Yahaba looks awful as ever,”

“Eat shit, Shirabu,” Came Yahaba’s hushed voice.

“Fuck you,”

“I imagine this is what they were like as captains?” Suga asked, earning a nod from Akaashi.

“You know, I’m always stunned at how pretty Aka-chan is,”

“And I’m always stunned at how ugly you are Oikawa,” Shirabu fired back, leaning against his wall.

“Enough,” Suga sighed, crossing his arms.

“Yes, mom,” The two mumbled, glaring at each other's screens.

“Yahaba let me see your dog,” Hinata yelled, leaning over Kageyama’s shoulder. Kageyama gently flicked his forehead.

“Dumbass, no one is supposed to know about the dog,”

“But everyone else knows he has a dog!”

“Shh, Kentarou _and_ the dog are asleep,” Yahaba hissed, holding a finger up to his mouth before turning his laptop. Kyoutani was asleep with the miniature bull terrier laying at his feet.

"Aw, he actually looks peaceful," Oikawa grinned and held up his phone. "Peaceful enough for blackmail,"

“And now it’s documented forever,” Shirabu mumbled, taking a picture of his screen. Yahaba turned the computer back to himself but he was still staring at Kyoutani, his lips pursed in thought.

After that they eventually fell into a quiet conversation, how school was going, tests, life in general. On the topic of life, Suga immediately sent the conversation down the drain. “What is the meaning of life?” He asked, resting his chin on his hand. The groupchat got quiet, aside from Hinata and Lev in the background.

“Well according to Google it’s, ‘the condition that distinguishes animals and plants from inorganic matter, including the capacity for growth, reproduction, functional activity, and continual change preceding death.’,” Tobio piped up, squinting at his laptop.

Suga sighed. “No like, what’s the _meaning,_ ” he stressed, placing his laptop on the coffee table and curling up on his couch.

“What if they government is poisoning our clouds and we’re slowly dying,” Oikawa mumbled as more of a thought than an actual answer.

“Tooru that isn’t what I-” Suga’s remark was cut off by a clap and Oikawa sat up, his screen filled with the faded picture of his Star Wars shirt. “That’s it! What if oxygen is poisonous and that’s why aliens won’t visit us?”

“There he goes,” Yahaba groaned.

“Shut up with your conspiracies you nerd, I wasn’t asking about aliens,” Oikawa plopped back down on his bed, the video shaking.

“One day we’re doing a video call dedicated to aliens,”

 

E.T: GROUPCHAT DEDICATED TO THEORIES IS COMING

 

“No one is going to stay,” Semi rolled his eyes, before scribbling something down in his notebook.

“And you know I hate to agree with Eita, but he’s right. I’ll leave,” Shirabu grumbled but Semi looked smug at the very least.

“I hate to say it, but I agree with them,” Akaashi shrugged, Kenma nodded in agreement.

“Why am I friends with you all?” Oikawa whined, rolling onto his back.

“You love us too much to leave,” Suga hummed, before looking off camera at the faint sound of a voice.

“Speaking of leaving, Daichi’s home,”

“Bros before hoes, Koushi!” Oikawa yelled.

“Then I guess I have to put everyone before you if that’s the case, Tooru,” Suga quipped, waving at the screen. “Bye everyone!”

Suga’s screen faded to black and Oikawa still looked shell shocked.

“Did he just call me a _hoe_?”

“He’s not wrong,” Semi added, earning a quiet laugh from Yahaba. Oikawa made a noise like he’d been punched.

“Rude! I don’t need this, good night.”

“Oh, what’s this? Oikawa’s going to sleep at a reasonable time?” Shirabu mock gasped and Kenma hid his laugh behind his phone.

“I guess Hell is finally frozen over, hm?” Akaashi commented, raising an eyebrow.

“Oh yikes, roasted by Akaashi,” Yahaba mumbled, picking up his phone.

“Guys, it’s like nine, I have homework.” He spoke, looking back at the screen. “You all should finish yours,”

“Oh so responsible, Yahaba,”

“Again, eat shit, Shirabu,”

“Again, fuck you,”

“Knock it off,” Akaashi scolded, looking down at the screen. “Yahaba’s right, we should get our work done.” Yahaba stuck his tongue out and Shirabu promptly end his call. Oikawa waved and hung up, Yahaba following in suit. Akaashi said goodbye to Kageyama who had forgotten about the call entirely and instead was watching something on his phone with Hinata. Lev hung up for them.

\--

_1:20 am_

angel: I WAS TOLD OIKAWA WAS ROASTED BY AKAASHI HOW THE HELL DID I GET UNLUCKY ENOUGH TO MISS THAT

E.T: SHUT UP

semisemi: GO TO SLEEP

  
  
  
  
  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you have any suggestions, send me a message or ask on my tumblr  
> iamhereforballs.tumblr.com


	6. [whiteguyblinking.gif]

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> JUST IN TIME FOR MY SWEET ANGEL YAHABA'S BDAY also hbd @matsukawa and yurio  
> this is short i'm sorry  
> i was gonna make this much longer but i wanted it up for yahaba's bday  
> next chapter check for tag updates ;;;)  
> anyway enjoy! i love all of your comments and kudos and bookmarks!!! i love you!!  
> hmu with suggestions or ideas if you have any

_7:00 am_

E.T: ITS MARCH YOU KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS

angel: julius caesar?

CuteHoot: Women's History?

saltyboi: youre screaming at the ass crack of dawn for no reason??

E.T: NO

E.T: IT MEANS ITS ALMOST

E.T: S P R I N G B R E A K

creampuff: arent you forgetting something?

E.T: no?

creampuff: a birthday perhaps

E.T: IH SHIT

E.T: ITS MATTSUN'S BIRTHFAY AND MAKKI DIDNT REMIND ME

creampuff: okay i guess i'll go fuck myself

saltyboi: happy birthday yahaba

creampuff: thank you but it means shit coming from you

E.T: WHAT

E.T: IH MY GOD IG MT GOD OG MY GOD IM SORRU

creampuff: even kentarou remembered

angel: he is your boyfriend after all

creampuff: hes not my boyfriend

E.T: YEAH OKAY BUT DID HE GET YOU A PRESENT ??

E.T: NO

creampuff: yes

angel: !!!!

creampuff: he got me a disocactus, because i mentioned it awhile ago

creampuff: i thought it was nice

creampuff: [prettyhangingcactus.png]

E.T: how are they not dating wtf???

semisemi: what the fuck are you all awake at the ass crack of dawn for?

saltyboi: thats my line

kozumeme: what in tarnation

E.T: i dont have class yet im goING BACK TO SLEEP

\--

_9:21 am_

milkcarton: why do you want spring break so bad

E.T: UM,, ITS A BREAK???

E.T: ALSO

E.T: iwa’s coming home to visit

angel: aw

saltyboi: gross

E.T: ;)

saltyboi: speaking of relationships,,

saltyboi: um

E.T: DOES KENJIROU HAVE A C R U S H

angel: ooouUU

saltyboi: first things first

E.T: [ill eat ya brains]

saltyboi: dont ever call me that again

saltyboi: whether or not i have a crush is none of your business

creampuff: then why are you asking about relationships

saltyboi: just like, how do they work?? how do you get someone to like you

CuteHoot: What in flirtation?

creampuff: well i think being nice to them is one way

saltyboi: fuck you i dont need advice from someine who can't see that their roommate is hardcore pining after them

E.T: HOLY SHIT AKAASHI MEMED

creampuff: hardcore pining?

angel: OKAY HOLY SHIT

saltyboi: yeah he likes you can you really not tell?

E.T: AKAASHI PLEASE TELL ME GOU TYPED THAT AND NOT KENMA

kozumeme: im in an entirely different class

kozumeme: so Akaashi typed it

CuteHoot: I typed it.

_[E.T changed CuteHoot to Akaashitpost]_

Akaashitpost: Thank you, Tooru.

kozumeme: oh my god

creampuff: wait shut up

creampuff: kyoutani likes me??

saltyboi: yes

semisemi: yes

angel: yes

E.T: yes

kozumeme: yes

milkcarton: yes

Akaashitpost: yes

creampuff: you guys are lying

E.T: once second

saltyboi: he likes you yahaba

creampuff: ??? Proof or it didn't happen

Akaashitpost: The way he looks at you when you aren't looking. It was pretty hard to miss during matches.

kozumeme: i can vouch for that

saltyboi: me too

E.T: [screenshotoftexts.png]

E.T: LISTEN EVEN IWACHAN SAID KYOUKEN LIKED YOU AND HES AS DENSE AS A FUCKING ROCK

angel: practically more so than daichi

E.T: our boyfriends are idiots

angel: no daichi and i are smart r00d my mans is doing prelaw

angel: youre an idiot, hajimes a genius

E.T: HEY IM SMART TOO

milkcarton: oikawa, Yahaba is the one with the problem pay attention

angel: FFFFFFFFF

E.T: why the fuck did you capitalize yahaba’s name but not mine

milkcarton: hes more important at the moment

E.T: [whiteguyblinking.gif]

angel: what in capitalization

creampuff: you guys really think he likes me

saltyboi: yes

E.T: OOO DO YOU LIKE HIM

angel: you did say you’d think about asking him out

creampuff: you guys are 100% positive

semisemi: yahaba ask him out

creampuff: okay,,

angel: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

E.T: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

kozumeme: rip Het Yahaba™

semisemi: back up a bit

semisemi: shirabu

semisemi: do you have a crush on someone????

semisemi: because if it is ushijima

semisemi: he is dating tendou, you shouldn't go for him

saltyboi: its not ushijima

E.T: WHO IS IT

angel: WHOOO ISSSS ITTT

saltyboi: none of your fuckjng business

E.T: to quote peope using the word at an incorrect time

E.T: triggered

angel: oikawa you say it all the fuc king time

E.T: shit

E.T: I GUESS YOU CAN SAY

E.T: SHIRABUS A

E.T: SALTY BOI

_[Akaashitpost kicked E.T from the groupchat]_

angel: damn you beat me to it

kozumeme: damn i wanted to

semisemi: i wouldve if i knew how

saltyboi: THATS IT IM COMING OVER TO TEACH YOU ABOUT ELECTRONICS

\--

 _[saltyboi added E.T, angel, Akaashitpost, kozumeme, milkcarton, and creampuff to_ _TOP SECRET_ _]_

_11:20 am_

E.T: WHY THE FUCK DI D YOJ KICK ME AKAASHI ADD ME BACK

Akaashitpost: I'll think about it.

angel: what is this

kozumeme: “top secret”

kozumeme: edgy

E.T: yeah wtf

saltyboi: kay im not gonna beat around the fucking bush and come out and say it

saltyboi: i think i have a crush on semi

angel: i knew it

E.T: OMGOGMGOMFOGMF

kozumeme: is this a surprise or,,

Akaashitpost: Oh, so that's why Semi is not here.

saltyboi: shut the fuck up and help me

angel:  go up to him

E.T: preceed to woo him by leaning against a wall and asking

angel: “ya like jazz?”

saltyboi: nvm i don't want your help

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i made 3 what in tarnation jokes  
> potentially added 2 new ships  
> left 1 ship on a cliff hanger  
> opps


	7. "its like outta an ep of SKAM"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HELLO SOMEWHAT SCHEDULE  
> GUESS WHO UPDATED THE TAGS  
> THIIIIIIIIIIIIS GIRL  
> anyway: HAPPY INTERNATIONAL WOMENS DAY  
> also i hope youre disappointed in the lack of detail about a certain new relationship because i sure am but  
> how to: write romance

 

_ 2:14 pm _

_ [Akaashitpost added E.T to  _ _ We’re All Gay _ _ ] _

E.T: FUCK YOU KEIJI

Akaashitpost: Welcome back, Tooru.

creampuff: welcome back

E.T: YAAHBBAAAA DID HE SAY YES

kozumeme: yahba

Akaashitpost: I believe he wrote “Yaahbbaaaa”.

E.T: SHUT 

E.T: YOUR

E.T: MOTH

kozumeme: moth

Akaashitpost: Moth.

E.T: moth,,,

angel: no

E.T: M O T H

angel: nO

E.T: DID YOU SAY MOTH

kozumeme: yes?

angel: nO WHAT HAVE YOU DONE

E.T: M O T H M A N 

kozumeme: is fake

E.T: :0

E.T: SH U TYO U R FU CKIN GMOU TH

Akaashitpost: Oh look, he spelled it correctly.

E.T: HOW DARE YOU INSULT MY BOYFRIEND

angel: im telling iwaIZUMI

E.T: OH YEAH WELL IM GONNA TELL DAICHI ABOUT YOUR COMPUTER FOLDER FOR HIS T H I F H S

angel: im sorry 

angel: his what

angel: ‘thifhs'

angel: huh 

angel: im afraid ive never heard of thifhs

E.T: IM GOING TO KERMIT SUICIDE

kozumeme: spicy meme but not

E.T: HHHHHHHHHHHHH

semisemi: sshut the fuck uo all of you

semisemi: yahaba what did he said

creampuff: well theres like this funny thing

creampuff: where you know i

creampuff: didnt actually ask

E.T: WH AT

E.T: WHAT THE FU CK

kozumeme: sick reference

milkcarton: you know kenma, you don't talk like that when im with you

kozumeme: i cant be bothered with the effort to say shitty memes out loud

milkcarton: oh okay

E.T: WHY DIDNT YOU ASK

creampuff: i dont know????

creampuff: nervous ??

E.T: but he 

E.T: likes you

creampuff: okay but consider this

creampuff: he

creampuff: doesnt

E.T: im texting him

creampuff: NO

semisemi: anyway has anyone seen kenjirou

saltyboi: the fuck do you want?

semisemi: you were going to help me with

semisemi: you know, electronics

saltyboi: i wasnt serious???

semisemi: oh

saltyboi: well i mean i have nothing to do

saltyboi: so sure i guess whatever

angel: okay well i have class bye

\--

_ 4:30 pm _

creampuff: i guess im dating kentarou now

E.T: D E T A ILS

angel: GIVE ME THE DE E TS

creampuff: oikawas dumbass actually texted him

creampuff: and we just kinda

creampuff: talked??

creampuff: we kinda just 

creampuff: we’re close to each other

creampuff: its nice

E.T: thats so fucking cute

E.T: its like outta an ep of SKAM 

angel: im not following

creampuff: the fuck is scam

E.T: no no SKAM

creampuff: ???

Akaashitpost: You watch SKAM?

E.T: Y E S

kozumeme: is that the show with the two boys kuro was crying over

E.T: TETSU WATCHES SK A M

E.T: WHAT THE FUCK

E.T: AND HE DIDNT TELL ME?????

E.T: NOW I CAN YELL ABOUT EVAK WITH SOMEONE

Akaashitpost: They just won TV Couple of the Year or something like that?

E.T: W H A T

E.T: o H MY. GO D

E.T: I. NE E D TO PLA Y TH EI R SO NG

angel: what the fuck we neee to focus on yahaba

angel: my son just got a b o y f r i en d

creampuff: im your son now?

angel: um yes ??

angel: of course??

angel: you, kenma, kageyama, and shirabu are all my sons

kozumeme: why not keiji

angel: hes a fellow mom

Akaashitpost: That's true.

angel: anyway I'm happy for you! Go spend time with him

creampuff: okay

\--

_ 5:02 pm _

saltyboi: fuck you I'm not your son

angel: go to your room

saltyboi: i hate you

\--

_ 8:00 pm _

E.T: OH YEAH

E.T: HAPPY INTERNATIONAL WOMENS DAY 

semisemi: we arent female or female identifying

angel: we can still celebrate women

milkcarton: cant we celebrate them everyday?

milkcarton: why do we need one day or one month?

milkcarton: it should be everyday

E.T: i really dint want to fucking agree with you brcuase youre you

E.T: but

E.T: i love you

milkcarton: im flattered but the quota for a dumbass boyfriend has already been filled out

angel: oH KY GO D

E.T: I REFUSED TO BE DRAGGED BY A FUCKING BLUEBERRY

kozumeme: drag him and ill be forced to destroy your life

kozumeme: hes my best friends boyfriend

kozumeme: thems the rules

angel: bada bang bada bing

Akaashitpost: Bada Bing, Bada Boom

E.T: IM SO DOWN FOR THIS NEW MEMEING AKAASHI

\--

_ 11:30 pm _

angel: you know whi has a nicr ass

E.T: yes we know Daichi

angel: no

angel: well yes

angel: but i wasnt talking about him

E.T: who then

angel: justin trudeau

E.T: the Canadian Prime Minister?

angel: he fucking thicc

saltyboi: im not even going to tell you to sleep at this point

  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HEY YOU MADE IT  
> I LOVE YOU  
> SORRY IF THIS CHAPTER IS CRAP  
> I STILL LOVE YOU


	8. update schedule who

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yikes i really don't have an excuse this time,,,  
> i'm sorry??  
> My motivation fluctuates and I literally wrote half of this a week ago and then was like "I NEED TO UPDATE THIS"  
> I'm really sorry for the short chapter but when do I write long stuff?  
> I made a 'what in tarnation' joke, that's how long I've been putting this off.

_6:00 am_

angel: i already miss spring break

E.T: i miss my mans but i mean

E.T: i got to see him

angel: that's gay

E.T: you're gay

angel: correct

creampuff: spring break was fun

E.T: DID YOU TWO FUCK

angel: OIKAWA TOORU THERE ARE CHILDREN HERE

E.T: I DON'T GIVE A F U C K

 _[creampuff left_ _We’re All Gay_ _]_

_[E.T added creampuff to_ _We’re All Gay]_

creampuff: i feel attacked

_\--_

_11:31 am_

angel: im straight

angel: haha april fools!

E.T: APRIL FOOLS WAS 4  DAYS AGO

angel: ;)

kozumeme: yeah 

kozumeme: dumb fuck

 

E.T: SEMISEMJ

semisemi: first of all

semisemi: don't call me that

semisemi: second of all

semisemi: at least spell it correctly

E.T: ;)

_\--_

_[To:_ _TOP SECRET_ _]_

_12:00 pm_

E.T: did u ask him

angel: what

E.T: _@saltyboi_

saltyboi: what

saltyboi: oh

saltyboi: no

E.T: WHAT WHY

saltyboi: he has a crush on tendou???

saltyboi: lmaoooo

angel: denial is the first step to acceptance

angel: its okay to grieve

saltyboi: you make it sound like hes dead

E.T: dont talk back to your mother

milkcarton: you make it sound like youre the dad of the group

E.T: absolutely

angel: not

E.T: :0

angel: Tooru

angel: you are an actual child

E.T: >:0!

 _[milkcarton added sunshineshouyou to_ _TOP SECRET_ ]

sunshineshouyou: SUM ONE CAKL 119 CUZ I JUST WITN ESS ED A MUREDR

sunshineshouyou: ALSO HI KENMA

kozumeme: hi shouyou

 _[sunshineshouyou left_ _TOP SECRET_ _]_

E.T: I’M

milkcarton: he asked me to add him so he could say that

milkcarton: he didnt want you to think it was me

angel: do you ever feel so proud

kozumeme: what a pure soul

Akaashitpost: A truly respectable person.

E.T: THE AMOUNT OF DISRESPECT

\--

_3:02 pm_

E.T: OKAY

E.T: BACK TO OUR ORIGINAL PLAN

E.T: WE GOTTA GET SEMISHIRA TO BE CANON

saltyboi: what the fuck is a semishira

E.T: YOU AND SEMI

angel: you thought of a ship name?

E.T: duh

E.T: SO WE GOTTA FIGURE IT OUT

E.T: IT IS UP TO I

E.T: LOVE DOCTOR OIKAWA

milkcarton: no one calls you that

E.T: TO SAVE THE DASHUT THE FUCK UP OBIO

kozumeme: obio

angel: help me OBIO wan, youre my only hope

E.T: SHU F YTHE FUCK IP

E.T: I DOUBT YOUVE EVEN SEEN STAR WARS

angel: shit i thought that was star trek?

kozumeme: its not battle star galactica?

E.T: ISIFKFKFNDAHUF IM LEAVING

milkcarton: i love this groupchat

\--

 _[To:_ _We're All Gay_ _]_

_3:34 pm_

semisemi: it's so quiet

kozumeme: thats a good thing

semisemi: but shirabu’s laughing at his phone

saltyboi: i have other friends

semisemi: no you dont

Akaashitpost: No you don't.

kozumeme: rip

saltyboi: leave me alone

kozumeme: wait a fucking minute

 _[To:_ _TOP SECRET_ _]_

_3:40 pm_

kozumeme: you're with semi and youre on your p h o n e

kozumeme: get off of it and talk to hI M

Akaashitpost: I've never seen Kenma so worked up

kozumeme: then you've never seen me play lovelive

Akaashitpost: What in Snow Halation?

kozumeme: YOU THINK I ENDED UO DATING KUROO BY PLAYING ON MY PHONE

Akaashitpost: Actually, I did.

saltyboi: tbh me too

kozumeme:  rude i feel assaulted

angel: smh youre almost as bad as tooru

E.T: WHY AM I BEING ATTACKED I WASNT EVEN DOING ANYTHING

angel: YOURE PROBABLY FACETIMING YOUR BOYFRIEND AND BEING LAME

 _[E.T left TOP SECRET _ _]_

angel: holy shit

\--

_[To: We're All Gay] _

_5:00 pm_

creampuff: okay real talk

E.T: you boned kyouken

angel: FIITMFLFMF

angel: oh wait you mean kyoutani

angel: chr i st I thought you meant their dog

milkcarton: how is your dog

creampuff: hes fine thank you

creampuff: ANYWAY

creampuff: oikawa how is your hair always so perfect??

angel: your hair is fine yahaba

creampuff: im going on a date i want to look nice

angel: :0

kozumeme: :0

E.T: :0

E.T: AAAAAAAAA

E.T: YESYEYSYEYSS

angel: i cant believe oikawa is kyouhaba stan #1

saltyboi: i cant believe you made a ship name

angel: i cant believe i just lost a son:)

saltyboi: i

E.T: OKAY SO MY HAIR IS SO PERFECT BECAUSE I DONT USE NORMAL WATER

creampuff: ???

E.T: I SHOWER IN THE TEARS OF VIRGINS

angel: your own tears you mean?

E.T: KDKDNF

creampuff: guys THIS IS SERIOUS

E.T: okay okay sorry

E.T: ANYWAY

E.T: shigeru your hair is always perfect??

E.T: you dont have to worry?

angel: yeah! You always look great

kozumeme: when did this chat get so pure

kozumeme: go back to roasting eachother pls

Akaashitpost: Messy, drama-loving Kenma back at it again.

kozumeme: i cant believe akaashi is my actual best friend

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HELLO AGAIN  
> SO PEOPLE ENJOY THIS AND I WANTED TO KNOW IF PEOPLE WOULD ENJOY ACTUAL HQ FICS OF MINE  
> Like this is an "actual" fic but it's like, texting,, so,,  
> I have like two AUs I might write (I have more than two AUs but)  
> There's a youkai one and a gang/criminal one  
> The youkai one is still being story-boarded by me, myself, and I.  
> The other would be a drabble/one shot series that might end up with plot?  
> Which one would you guys like to see, if any at all lol?


	9. headass

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> me: don't post short chapters! you can write more!  
> me to me: okay but consider this: make your chapters progressively shorter  
> [wheeze] there are so many seperate chats in this chapter  
> this update is garbage but at least the semishira ship might sail soon  
> also kenma is a fuckin snake in this o o p s
> 
> ALSO!!! WHAT THE FUCK  
> 7500+ HITS  
> 700+ KUDOS  
> 100+ BOOKMARKS  
> A LOT OF COMENTS  
> W HA T THE HELL YOU GUYS IM CRYING  
> I LOVE YOU ALL SO MUCH

_[To:_ _TOP SECRET_ _]_

_10:09 am_

angel: listen the fuck up

angel: shirabu youre gonna ask this boy out

angel: and youre gonna date and be fucking happy

saltyboi: no

angel: JSNDMFMTM

angel: I'm trying to h e l p yo u

angel: fuckiyn ungrateful

angel: uneven hair lookin headass

kozumeme: facts

angel: shut the fuck up and go bleacj your roots

kozumeme: o shit roasted

saltyboi: he said that to you

kozumeme: okay but hear me out

kozumeme: i have a boyfriend and you do not

Akaashitpost: Facts.

kozumeme: <3

Akaashitpost: <3

kozumeme: things my best friend did: THAT

milkcarton: shouyou says he feels betrayed

kozumeme: NO SHOUYOU IS MY RIDE OR DIE

Akaashitpost: Kay, guess I'll just go fuck myself.

angel: cant bokuto do that

 _[Akaashitpost kicked angel from_ _TOP SECRET_ _]_

saltyboi: do you have a death wish or something keiji oh my god

 _[milkcarton added angel to_ _TOP SECRET_ _]_

angel: do YOU WANT TO FUCKING DIE YOU BRAT

Akaashitpost: Friendship ended with Kenma, now Death is my best friend.

kozumeme: I'm

E.T: shut tHE FUCK UP

\--

 _[To:_ _We’re All Gay_ _]_

_11:00 am_

creampuff: aight is no one gonna talk about thr fact that shirabu smiled

semisemi: it was cute

saltyboi: wha t

semisemi: ur smile

semisemi: it was cute

semisemi: u should smile more often

saltyboi: i

creampuff: you good kenjirou

saltyboi: ye

kozumeme: ;)

\--

_[kozumeme to: semisemi]_

_11:06 am_

kozumeme: no beating around the bush

kozumeme: do you have a crush on tendou or what

kozumeme: i won't tell anyone i just want to know

semisemi: i did

semisemi: not anymore

kozumeme: do you like anyone now

semisemi: why are u interrogating me about my relationships?

semisemi: what are we 12 year old girls

kozumeme: with the way you talk?

kozumeme: yes

kozumeme: now do you or dont you

semisemi: yes

kozumeme: do i know him

semisemi: how do u know theyre a him??

kozumeme: [fakelaugh.png]

kozumeme: oh honey

semisemi: okay fine yes you do

kozumeme: are they in a relationship

semisemi: no

semisemi: kenma?

semisemi: kenma where did u go?

\--

 _[kozumeme added creampuff, Akaashitpost, angel, E.T, and milkcarton to:_ _Dumb Hoes_ _]_

_11:15 am_

kozumeme: listen the fuck up sluts

angel: this is a dumb ass name

kozumeme: shut up your hair is uglee™

angel: ah fuck he got me

angel: insult cancelled everyone my hair’s ugly

Akaashitpost: What is this?

kozumeme: im sick of seeing shirabu and semi step around each other

kozumeme: so we’re intervening

creampuff: are we gonna expose shirabu cuz im down

kozumeme: no but you're going to be a big part of this

creampuff: ???

kozumeme:  youre the only ine of us thats close to shirabu

creampuff: incorrect

kozumeme: so youre going to steal his phone because you have the same phone and he will not notice

kozumeme: and youre going to text semi that you want to date him

kozumeme: or suck his dick or smth i dont know what shirabu wants

angel: no of course nothing id flawed in this plan

creampuff: and what if i decline

kozumeme: remember senior year

kozumeme: remember yachi

creampuff: OKAY ILL DO IT

angel: WAIT HOLY SHIT

angel: is this TEA™ im hearing about

angel: yachi is more of an angel than me

E.T: literally everyone is more angelic than you

angel: what did she do the poor girl would probably cry if she stepped on an ant

creampuff: KEEO YOUR MOUTH SHUT

kozumeme: alright i wont tell him

\--

 _[To:_ _ TOP SECRET] _

_11:25 am_

kozumeme: she whipped a volleyball at his stomach in front of everyone because he scared her and he almost pissed himself

kozumeme: wrong chat

creampuff: FUCK YOU

angel:  i hope kiyoko is proud of her omg

E.T: KENMA’S PUDDING LOOKIN HEADASS IS REALLY OUT 

angel: shut the fukc up

Akaashitpost: Who would win: Oikawa Yelling/Sugawara’s misspelling

kozumeme: without the pciture the meme is hard to understand

Akaashitpost: That's what the government wants you to think.

E.T: !!!!!

E.T: FRIENDSHIP ENDED WITH KOUSHI, NOW KEIJI IS MY NEW BEST FRIEND

angel: tooru

angel: run

kozumeme: oof

\--

Yahaba could not believe he managed to get himself roped into this. Well really, he what he couldn’t believe was how easily he managed to swipe Shirabu’s phone off his nightstand without the other noticing. Futakuchi was out and Yahaba used the excuse of needing a quiet place to study and the library was too crowded. For some reason, Shirabu actually believed him, though honestly, it was a more of an ‘I don't care as long as you aren't loud’ type of attitude towards his excuse. Whatever, this was for the greater good or some shit. 

He glanced over at Shirabu who, thankfully, was emerged in his sketchbook, and opened his phone. _No password? What a loser._

 

_[saltyboi to: semisemi]_

_1:30 pm_

saltyboi: hey eita

semisemi: kenjirou?

saltyboi: i wanted to ask you something

semisemi: you couldnt have asked me in the groupchat?

saltyboi: it's important

semisemi: okay i guess?

semisemi: what is it?

saltyboi: are you free like, later tonight?

saltyboi: theres this coffeeshop close to campus ive really wanted to check out for a while

saltyboi: like, maybe 6-ish?

semisemi: ??????

semisemi: are you asking me out?

 

“Hey, where the hell is my phone?” Shirabu asked and Yahaba glanced down at the phone in his hand before making eye contact with Shirabu. Well, shit. He grabbed his bag and his papers in one go, swinging his bag over his shoulder as he hopped off the bed and threw the phone at Shirabu with a grin.

“You have a date at six! You'll thank us later!” He yelled, running out of the dorm and slamming the door behind him. 

\--

 _[To:_ _ Dumb Hoes] _

_1:40 pm_

creampuff: if i dont make it home alive

creampuff: tell kentarou i love him

angel: weren't you straight like a month ago?


	10. sorry!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ...oof

OKAY SO i havent updated this in so long and I'm not sure why! I just slowly lost interest and time due to school and such! So I'm very sorry.

This will be a very short update before I orphan the fic. It'll still be up to read but it won't be working on it anymore. Thank you all for supporting me and I hope it made you all laugh! Here's just the last bit that I have in my drafts, sorry I couldn't have written more.

* * *

_ [To:  _ _ TOP SECRET _ _ ] _

1:45 pm

saltyboi: YOU'RE FUCKING DEAD SHIGERU

creampuff: i get you a date

creampuff: with the love of your life

creampuff: and this is how you repay me

creampuff: smh

saltyboi: when i asked for help this is n o t what i meant

kozumeme: you got a date though

Akaashitpost: Shouldn't you at least be a little happy?

saltyboi: no I feel sick

angel: awww my baby is nervous

saltyboi: im not your son

angel: UM

E.T: get ready to die shirabu 

E.T: youve upset your mother

angel: I'M SENDING YOUR ASS TO THE 

angel: sH a d OW R E AL M

kozumeme: weeb

Akaashitpost: Weeb.

saltyboi: weeb.

E.T: weeb

angel: shut the fuck up at least i dont believe in hugefoot or butterflyman

E.T: OKAY FIRST OF ALL

E.T: I KNOW YOH FUCKING KNOW THEIR NAMES

E.T: TWO, LEAVE THEM OUT OF THIS RHEY ARE PURE BEINGS AND HAVE DONE NO WRONG

E.T: THREE WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE GETTING YELLED AT

angel: thanks for not saying anything my lovely sons tobio and shigeru

creampuff: yeah i dont have a death wish

E.T: DON'T IGNORE ME

saltyboi: i beg to fucking differ

creampuff: what the fuck are you going to do?

creampuff: throw fabric at me?

saltyboi: beat the fuck out of you with my sewing machine

saltyboi: stab you with knitting needles

creampuff: KN ITT TI N G N E E D L ES

creampuff: What arE YOU E IG H TY

saltyboi: no I'm not sugawara

angel: THATS IT IM CANCELLING YOUR DATE

**Author's Note:**

> scream with me about volleygays  
> my tumblr : iamhereforballs.tumblr.com  
> Comments and kudos are always appreciated!!


End file.
